Be good to yourself – Stress & Divorce

I made a huge change in my life recently. Huge. I separated from my husband.

The hard part is that I love the kids, but they won’t be staying with me. Biologically they’re his from a previous relationship. I’ve been raising them as my own for 6 1/2 years. They call me Mama and they are my babies. We are working on staying connected and I will still have them in my life.

But here is my truth – as hard as this is I have to do it for my health and sanity. I can’t continue to care for others at the expense of my self. No, at the expense of my health. You see, my husband has serious issues that he will not deal with on top of the fact that he just won’t care for his health like he should. He stopped taking his meds and felt like pain medicine was all he needed. So, I have been dragging around an adult who has serious health issues but is acting like a child.

It’s like I have had three children to care for on top of my health issues. I had a toxic person dragging me down and adding to my stress.

Stress is actually what this blog is about. We could talk about stress from work, stress from money, stress from pain, stress from bills and about meds. As chronic life patients we know all these stressors. But what I’ve discovered is that intimate relationships have the most profound effect on my symptoms. If I have someone who doesn’t understand or who takes advantage of me, like my husband did, then the stress is jacked up like the tide rolling in and dragging me out to sea.

How do I know? When he moved out, my stress went down. I ached for my babies and felt the loss deeply. But I woke up happier in the morning. I started walking my dog – a feat I hadn’t been able to do in years. I listened to my body and rested when I needed. I had no fear of falling asleep at night. I could actually rest mentally and emotionally. The house was quiet when I needed it and I wasn’t being drawn and quartered by the demand of being a single mother while taking care of an addict.

I have lived like a single mother for so long – caring for and protecting his children in a way he never has all while dealing with his issues.

And I hit my wall. For me, that means it’s done. I don’t falter and I don’t waiver. I have given and hoped and loved all I can. Without someone who sees his own problems I have stymied in the mire of extra pain. But, no more.

I am in shock how much better I’m doing without that life suck. My pain is down and my physical ability is up. My brain is clearer and my choices are better. I am not as distracted as I once was. I am seeing a therapist who is helping me deal with this loss and the stress of my health. And I am finally getting help with anxiety attacks I have regularly, but didn’t see before.

It isn’t like this for everyone. Not everyone feels the freedom I do, especially if it wasn’t their choice. But I do want to say to those reading this – life is short. Don’t deny who you are and don’t destroy your body just to keep a toxic person in your life that pulls you down in a way you wouldn’t otherwise have happen.

Having an autoimmune disease, even a few of them, is hard enough without the stress of that person who uses you or makes your life harder. Be good to yourself first – you deserve it.

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Be good to yourself – Stress & Divorce

I made a huge change in my life recently. Huge. I separated from my husband.

The hard part is that I love the kids, but they won’t be staying with me. Biologically they’re his from a previous relationship. I’ve been raising them as my own for 6 1/2 years. They call me Mama and they are my babies. We are working on staying connected and I will still have them in my life.

But here is my truth – as hard as this is I have to do it for my health and sanity. I can’t continue to care for others at the expense of my self. No, at the expense of my health. You see, my husband has serious issues that he will not deal with on top of the fact that he just won’t care for his health like he should. He stopped taking his meds and felt like pain medicine was all he needed. So, I have been dragging around an adult who has serious health issues but is acting like a child.

It’s like I have had three children to care for on top of my health issues. I had a toxic person dragging me down and adding to my stress.

Stress is actually what this blog is about. We could talk about stress from work, stress from money, stress from pain, stress from bills and about meds. As chronic life patients we know all these stressors. But what I’ve discovered is that intimate relationships have the most profound effect on my symptoms. If I have someone who doesn’t understand or who takes advantage of me, like my husband did, then the stress is jacked up like the tide rolling in and dragging me out to sea.

How do I know? When he moved out, my stress went down. I ached for my babies and felt the loss deeply. But I woke up happier in the morning. I started walking my dog – a feat I hadn’t been able to do in years. I listened to my body and rested when I needed. I had no fear of falling asleep at night. I could actually rest mentally and emotionally. The house was quiet when I needed it and I wasn’t being drawn and quartered by the demand of being a single mother while taking care of an addict.

I have lived like a single mother for so long – caring for and protecting his children in a way he never has all while dealing with his issues.

And I hit my wall. For me, that means it’s done. I don’t falter and I don’t waiver. I have given and hoped and loved all I can. Without someone who sees his own problems I have stymied in the mire of extra pain. But, no more.

I am in shock how much better I’m doing without that life suck. My pain is down and my physical ability is up. My brain is clearer and my choices are better. I am not as distracted as I once was. I am seeing a therapist who is helping me deal with this loss and the stress of my health. And I am finally getting help with anxiety attacks I have regularly, but didn’t see before.

It isn’t like this for everyone. Not everyone feels the freedom I do, especially if it wasn’t their choice. But I do want to say to those reading this – life is short. Don’t deny who you are and don’t destroy your body just to keep a toxic person in your life that pulls you down in a way you wouldn’t otherwise have happen.

Having an autoimmune disease, even a few of them, is hard enough without the stress of that person who uses you or makes your life harder. Be good to yourself first – you deserve it.

What am I doing?

Gah! I have to honestly say that I have been intimidated by men recently. This is a big statement for me because that just doesn’t happen. I don’t consider men any better with data or programming than me. The difference is the experience. But, that experience is what creates a ginormous chasm in my mind. Perhaps it isn’t really there, but I see it clearly and rather harrowing at times. I find myself doubting and wondering and second guessing myself. I know I can program and create the code and do the work. All I need is the chance. But, I haven’t been doing this for years and I have no links to scads of programs I have created on GitHub. I don’t have the app on Google Play or iTunes. I have a family with kids and have been working hard in school. Isn’t it enough that I am graduating at the top of my class and have a solid understanding of the SDLC and requirements and how to code? Aren’t I worth investing in? I think I am!
So, I am now done with classes and I am looking for a permanent technical position. I don’t want to compromise – at all. This is what I love and what I want to do. I don’t want to settle for something else because I don’t want to lose the momentum I have created through learning and pushing and testing. So, now I apply and I wait. And, I apply some more and I wait. And I learn the best type of resume and how to put my best foot forward and I wait….
Wait
Wait
Wait
It feels like empty time and space like a Beatles movie – the Yellow Submarine. You know the part, where reality gets bent and twisted and people land in a two-dimensional space only to finally land in nothingness. The echo of their voices are heard and there is no familiarity and no path to walk on and no life to live – just empty white space.
I live in that empty white space right now. And I wait….

Who am I?

So, I recently discovered that women only make up about 16% of the technical world of programmers, engineers, web designers, etc. I am part of that 16%. I am female and I love data. I love programming. I have a passion for problem solving and love to sink my teeth into anything analytical and challenging. It is just the way I am wired – perhaps even hard-wired so that it would be difficult to delineate between that portion of my personality and my essence.

What do I mean when I say I love data? I mean that I love to manipulate data, aggregate data, play around with it and figure out what to do with it. I love to analyze and create results, create databases, and I love to just program….program…program. Java is my favorite. I have learned C++ and SQL (well, technically T-SQL so that I could fluidly create queries for multiple applications). I am also mastering Excel with its formulas, dashboards, Pivot Tables, filters and various look up functions.

Data moves me and pushes me to think hard and stretch my boundaries. I consider myself a data queen because 1. I am a female in a male dominated industry, and 2. because data moves me and challenges me and thrills me and rules me all at once. I can’t imagine doing anything else with my life than working with and manipulating data. I am its queen, and yet it rules me……